Oh boy, read this today, maybe first time since writing it. I've learned a LOT since initially writing this. I've learned that what I thought was true, he hates himself, is actually the opposite, he cares more for himself than ANYONE else. I've also learned that, yes, he never dealt with his stuff. However, it's not because he hasn't, it's because he can't. And! It's not that he thinks we all feel the same way...rather we should all think like him. I also now know, he never loved me. His love is conditional and that's not any sort of love at all. I've also learned about projection since then, and if you know about projection, you'll see that in this writing. And back then I was mistaken to think that if he understood me things would be different. They were never going to be different! I was right about the fact that he was full of anger. Two feeling narcs have, only two, anger and disappointment. I was right to be proud of any forward momentum considering I was carrying the weight of all of me and him and our kids on my back. And today...I'm so much stronger so there was a point!
You know, he says that I use the affair as a crutch to not deal when he points out one of my "issues". Like, when he gets defensive, I say that I can't deal with it because of the affair. Well, not in so many words, but really, just to say that I use it as a crutch is inherently wrong. What does that mean anyway? I'm less tolerant of this stuff then I used to be. No doubt about that. I don't want to go rounds and rounds with him over stuff we've been over before. For Sure. He gets defensive and I think that's because he hates himself, has never really dealt with his stuff and feels like we all feel the same way. It's insulting really.
So I tell him I feel unloved, unconsidered. I tell him that I think that's because he doesn't know what I've been through. He says he understands what I've been through and I tell him, no way. Anyway, the point is that I feel unappreciated. He says he doesn't understand how that can be. He says you really think I don't love you? I tell him I never said that. I believe he loves me but rather that I don't feel loved. He looks perplexed. I tell him that when I tell him my desires, not expectations, I'm quick to point out, that he doesn't do them, in fact, he says, I really just want a puss. Wow, bout knocked me on my butt, that statement. But anyway I say that if that is what it is called when a man hears his wife say that she feels attacked and he turns and owns that and tries to remedy that, then yes, I guess I do want a puss.
I want someone who when he has the power to right something, even if it's just my feelings, even if my feelings are wrong, that isn't the point, he tries to do that. He owns it and loves me unconditionally. He says I play a double standard. He says that I don't give him this same consideration. Is this true? I think about times when he has said that he feels like I'm being….fill in the blank, I'm being attacked. He doesn't say things like, I feel misunderstood, unloved, unappreciated etc. He says things like I feel like a failure. I feel stressed out. He wants me to right that. He expects me to right that. I can't do that. I try to explain that if he doesn't tell me what he wants or needs then I can't fulfill that and even if he does tell me then I need to decide if I will. Not that I'm unwilling per se, but some things may be extremely difficult for me to do, may be even damn near impossible. But I try.
I try to listen to things he wants and do them. I try. So I ask do you feel unloved and he assures me no. So I ask do you feel unappreciated and he says no. So I ask if there is anything that he feels I make him feel that is negative and he can't site any so, I say that I'm doing my job then, so leave me the hell alone.
I'm very angry. I'm angry because I feel that I did us both a disservice. I feel that I didn't represent how this affected me very well, that I was easy on him. That I knew of women who stalked their husbands, who ostracized them, who literally treated them like roommates. I didn't ever make him own it all. Now he thinks I overreact and he thinks he knows how angry I was because of what I exhibited to him. Really just a fraction of what I felt inside. I'm angry because he doesn't give me credit. In that he is misjudging me, demeaning me, not loving me. He says things and I ask him am I characterized by that? Do you really think that's me and he says no. He feels he has to walk on eggshells with me because he is afraid of making me mad. I'm so angry that he deceives me to keep himself safe. I'm angry that I can't be myself, that I can't express how I feel.
I do feel that I deserve a lot more than I get. I feel that if he really knew the things I have come through to bring me to this place and the fact that I'm here and have chosen to be, that he would not sweat the small stuff. That he would really know my heart and meet me where I am, even if he thinks I'm wrong.
I'm clear today. I'm clearer than I've ever been and he wasn't able to shake me. I knew the truth and presented that and that was that. He couldn't twist me up this time. Matter of fact I pointed out that his arguments were all twisted up and didn't make sense. I'm proud of myself.
He is full of un-forgiveness and anger. The problem is that it's at himself. No one can help him with that even though he thinks we should be able to. He thinks in his mind that we should be able to just say let's be happy and we'll just be happy. He also thinks that when I say that this is my life and the affair made me what I am that I'm speaking negative things that I'm going to make happen, do I really want to live like that, he says. Funny, this is my life and I'm hopeful that it will be used for something, otherwise, what's the point?
You know, he says that I use the affair as a crutch to not deal when he points out one of my "issues". Like, when he gets defensive, I say that I can't deal with it because of the affair. Well, not in so many words, but really, just to say that I use it as a crutch is inherently wrong. What does that mean anyway? I'm less tolerant of this stuff then I used to be. No doubt about that. I don't want to go rounds and rounds with him over stuff we've been over before. For Sure. He gets defensive and I think that's because he hates himself, has never really dealt with his stuff and feels like we all feel the same way. It's insulting really.
So I tell him I feel unloved, unconsidered. I tell him that I think that's because he doesn't know what I've been through. He says he understands what I've been through and I tell him, no way. Anyway, the point is that I feel unappreciated. He says he doesn't understand how that can be. He says you really think I don't love you? I tell him I never said that. I believe he loves me but rather that I don't feel loved. He looks perplexed. I tell him that when I tell him my desires, not expectations, I'm quick to point out, that he doesn't do them, in fact, he says, I really just want a puss. Wow, bout knocked me on my butt, that statement. But anyway I say that if that is what it is called when a man hears his wife say that she feels attacked and he turns and owns that and tries to remedy that, then yes, I guess I do want a puss.
I want someone who when he has the power to right something, even if it's just my feelings, even if my feelings are wrong, that isn't the point, he tries to do that. He owns it and loves me unconditionally. He says I play a double standard. He says that I don't give him this same consideration. Is this true? I think about times when he has said that he feels like I'm being….fill in the blank, I'm being attacked. He doesn't say things like, I feel misunderstood, unloved, unappreciated etc. He says things like I feel like a failure. I feel stressed out. He wants me to right that. He expects me to right that. I can't do that. I try to explain that if he doesn't tell me what he wants or needs then I can't fulfill that and even if he does tell me then I need to decide if I will. Not that I'm unwilling per se, but some things may be extremely difficult for me to do, may be even damn near impossible. But I try.
I try to listen to things he wants and do them. I try. So I ask do you feel unloved and he assures me no. So I ask do you feel unappreciated and he says no. So I ask if there is anything that he feels I make him feel that is negative and he can't site any so, I say that I'm doing my job then, so leave me the hell alone.
I'm very angry. I'm angry because I feel that I did us both a disservice. I feel that I didn't represent how this affected me very well, that I was easy on him. That I knew of women who stalked their husbands, who ostracized them, who literally treated them like roommates. I didn't ever make him own it all. Now he thinks I overreact and he thinks he knows how angry I was because of what I exhibited to him. Really just a fraction of what I felt inside. I'm angry because he doesn't give me credit. In that he is misjudging me, demeaning me, not loving me. He says things and I ask him am I characterized by that? Do you really think that's me and he says no. He feels he has to walk on eggshells with me because he is afraid of making me mad. I'm so angry that he deceives me to keep himself safe. I'm angry that I can't be myself, that I can't express how I feel.
I do feel that I deserve a lot more than I get. I feel that if he really knew the things I have come through to bring me to this place and the fact that I'm here and have chosen to be, that he would not sweat the small stuff. That he would really know my heart and meet me where I am, even if he thinks I'm wrong.
I'm clear today. I'm clearer than I've ever been and he wasn't able to shake me. I knew the truth and presented that and that was that. He couldn't twist me up this time. Matter of fact I pointed out that his arguments were all twisted up and didn't make sense. I'm proud of myself.
He is full of un-forgiveness and anger. The problem is that it's at himself. No one can help him with that even though he thinks we should be able to. He thinks in his mind that we should be able to just say let's be happy and we'll just be happy. He also thinks that when I say that this is my life and the affair made me what I am that I'm speaking negative things that I'm going to make happen, do I really want to live like that, he says. Funny, this is my life and I'm hopeful that it will be used for something, otherwise, what's the point?